NINE REASONS TO TRY DIVORCE MEDIATION
By: William J. Leininger, J.D.
You've decided to seek a divorce. Your
nerves are frayed; the in-laws are asking pointed questions; the children are beginning to
act out; and your pleasantness is in the midst of an earthshaking landslide. What can you
do? Clearly, you can hire a divorce attorney to serve your spouse with a Summons and
Complaint for divorce. Or you could talk to your spouse and try to get your spouse 's
agreement to try divorce mediation. Here's a checklist of reasons why working with a
trained divorce mediator can often help:
1. It usually costs less.
When both spouses meet with one Divorce
Mediator they can share the cost, which is commonly $2,000 to
$6,000. In addition, one
party must then hire an attorney to file for the non-contested divorce, which will usually
cost between $600 and $1,000, including Court fees. If the spouses were to retain separate
attorneys to represent them in a contested divorce, each would be paying an initial
retainer of between $2,500 and $15,000 just to get started!
2. You have control.
In Divorce Mediation the couple controls
how quickly or slowly decisions are made, when the divorce Complaint is filed, and what
the terms of the divorce will be in the Marital Settlement Agreement. Each step is by
agreement, in contrast to the adversarial process in which attorneys set court dates and
judges make decisions with very limited time and information.
3. Paperwork is done for you.
Many people try to do their own divorces
these days, but run into difficulty trying to understand the laws and the complex
paperwork involved. A mediator who is an attorney can explain the entire process to the
parties, and even prepare a proposed Marital Settlement Agreement. In both New York and
New Jersey, it is still ethically required that one party hire an independent attorney to
act as that party's attorney and file the legal documents for a non-contested divorce.
4. Easier on the children.
The worst aspect of a divorce for children
is the conflict between the parents. It will be traumatic enough for them, but they can
heal knowing that their parents are working together to make adult decisions and will not
put them in the middle.
5. You can still go to court.
When people use divorce mediation, they do
not give up their right to go to court. If you are not satisfied in mediation, you
can stop at any time, retain a separate attorney and have the judge decide the issues.
What has occurred in mediation will remain confidential, so the parties can start fresh.
6. You get legal information.
In divorce mediation with an
attorney-mediator, you will be provided with enough legal information to make your own
decisions about what is fair. While an attorney acting in the role of mediator cannot
advise either party, the attorney can share his or her general knowledge of how the court
might address the issues in your case. Each spouse is also encouraged to consult with a
separate attorney for legal advice, especially before signing a Marital Settlement
Agreement.
7. Emotions can be managed.
Many people simply want to be heard and
understood in the divorce process. However, on their own this can get out of control, as
each person triggers anger and resentment in the other - often unintentionally. A mediator
trained in counseling can assist the parties in acknowledging feelings but not allowing
feelings to control the decision-making process.
8. It's confidential.
In private divorce mediation, all
discussions and tentative agreements are confidential. This makes it safe to propose
solutions for possible consideration without having them all thought out. This can lead to
new solutions neither party had previously considered. Moreover, if either spouse has
worked "off the books" during the marriage, the parties can be upfront about
this fact with the divorce mediator since, unlike a Judge who usually has an ethical
obligation to report the unreported income to State and Federal taxing authorities, a
divorce mediator is under no such ethical obligation to report the unreported income to
the IRS or State income tax bureau.
9. It builds on the positive.
The way your marriage ends will
significantly impact the way you approach your future relationships. When you use a
mediator to help both of you communicate and make important decisions, it can be easier to
move forward and accept the past, rather than turning hurt and anger into an expensive
court battle. In mediation, both parties are encouraged to recognize the positive in the
other person and to find common ground for agreement. In court, each side must emphasize
the negative about the other person in order to "win" against the other.
Especially when there will be future contact between the parties, such as in parenting,
whatever goodwill remains between the parties should be preserved and not destroyed!
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Picking a Divorce Mediator
Divorce Mediators are not
yet licensed in either New York or New Jersey. We recommend that you use a Divorce
Mediator who is knowledgeable about family law, family counseling, child development and
the mediation process.
In picking a Divorce
Mediator, we recommend that you pick an attorney mediator who is a member of the Academy
of Family Mediators, which requires that its members have specialized training in divorce
mediation. Mr. Leininger is the most experienced attorney divorce
mediator in Staten Island, having mediated over 200 divorces since 1994.
He is also a member of both of the American Academy of Family Mediation and the
Family and the Divorce Mediation Council of Greater New York.
While mediation isn't the
only alternative to an ugly divorce experience, it is one to seriously consider. Make a
list of pros and cons for your specific situation, and weigh the facts for yourself. The
10-15 minutes you spend on your list could well be worth the effort!
For more information about Divorce Mediation, go to www.divorcemediation.org
Provided as a public service by:
William J.
Leininger, PC
Attorneys at Law
34 Dumont Ave.
Staten Island, New York
(718) 979-5200
Web:
www.staten-island-divorce.com